lets start over

this love is killin me
but you're the only one.
let's start over.

(no title)

it's hard to go back to sleep when my dreams are constantly reminding me of the things i need but can't achieve. it's bad enough to feel like your failing yourself but to fail everyone else is heartbreaking.

looking at this screen is heartbreaking.

time without you moves impossibly slow and breathtakingly fast at the same time. life goes on, i learned that years ago. the stabbing pain eventually numbs, your appetite returns. but every stab you take from someone else only remagnifies the first, only reminds you that despite everything positive that has happened since, you are not safe. you must look out for yourself and your happiness before someone else has an advantage and rips it from you. 'it's never enough.'

an old player will still be good, but never play like he did in his prime. he becomes expendable even when he's brought his team championships, because there are constantly fresh guys who eventually outshine this old star. if he has enough respect for his career he might retire THEN and move on to commentating or coaching, but a lot of times you have these old guys... trying to re live their glory years so they get themselves traded to a new team, with one goal in mind; win games. but a lot of times these players have no allegence to their new team, often because within a matter of months they're being traded to another team anyway, value constantly diminishing with every failed attempt to play somewhere else "just for the love of the game." and every release hurts just as much if not more than the original, not because he won championships, but because it means that his first team was right about him, nobody wants someone who is all used up.

'love is never enough.'




cuando todo lo que quiero en mi vida es alguien à comprendre mon bonheur, la peur et la douleur. someone to make me whole again.

more random thoughts & convos

interesting conversations sometimes.

you say, "i can't deal with your heart being split in two ways, i want it all, and it's not fair that i can't have it when with anyone else i could. you will never love me completely because you will always love him, and it's not fair."

i sit thinking to myself as you leave, 'it isn't fair. why AM i so confused? what's causing this...?' then my mind goes there. how could you complain when you're still with someone else, why won't you accept what you're giving... not to me, but to her? i look up to say so but you're already gone, again... and it hurts a little but not as much as i expected it too. i remember why... it's because you only had 'half'



i always heard people get what they give. well i don't want anything so i don't give out much if anything at all. it seems to be a problem. i'm not a 0-60 kind of girl, i'll never be the type to fall completely head over heels for someone in a matter of days, weeks, or even months... never. i'm cautious and always guarded. i've made mistakes before but i've learned from them and know better. i'm open... maybe too open, with my past... & maybe that is misleading sometimes... people think i'm telling them 'secrets' about myself when in reality, my life and mistakes are a public record... they think when ultimately i'm done with them & they are useless to me that they can 'smear' my name & make me feel bad or sad the way i've obviously made them feel by being completely upfront.... but my life is not a secret, i admit my mistakes. i move on from them, i only disclose them to other people to be fair i guess.

but anyways, back to the whole relationship thing.,. i know there are a lot of girls out there looking for love, trying to find it anywhere they can, but i'm not one of them. i've already experienced love, for better or for worse. and i realized i needed to find who i was without it. who is Abrie? i've learned a lot about myself but there's still a lot i cannot explain. I'm human, of course I get excited when someone I like to talk to calls or takes me out, but the romance wears off fast for me. The illusion of what could be fades to the reality of what really is. And i'm realistic. I'm real. I don't have time or patience for the 'courting' and if i don't click with someone, chances are I just might not.

---i think i just figured it out. the people i've been 'serious' with, i've known and was friends with for YEARS before anything happened romantically. i knew them and they knew me, of course there are only some things you can learn by being in a romantic relationship with someone about how they are in that setting, but i knew what i was doing. if you want me, wait. good things take time. --theend.


you left me once and i said never again.
but there you were. and again you left me. again i said, never again.
here you are, you promised you wouldn't... but you did.
never again.
never again.
never again.